As One Life Ends, Another Begins
by silent-stars-go-by
Summary: After seeing the series 6 finale, it got me thinking - what would have happened if Peyton HAD died? How will Lucas cope with losing the love of his life?
1. Blood Stains on Her Wedding Dress

**Blood Stains on Her Wedding Dress**

Lucas pressed his fingertips against the cold, thin layer of glass that separated him from Peyton. He longed to touch her, to hold her, to whisper in her ear that everything would be alright, as he had previously believed. But now, looking down on her laid out on the operating table, he wasn't so sure. Within seconds the happiest day of his life had turned into his worst nightmare, and he was face to face with the chilling possibility that he could lose Peyton, and maybe even the baby as well.

A slow movement behind him ripped his attention from his wife; he turned to see Haley standing there. She walked closer and brushed up against him, not saying anything, her presence there was for silent support. They were soon joined by Nathan who took hold of Haley's hand, then Brooke and finally Julian, the latter of which placed a comforting hand on Brooke's shoulder. He wanted her to know he was here for her, here to stay.

The five stood unmoving, their faces fixed into a permanent expression of anxiety and sadness, until the scene below them suddenly took a drastic turn of events when the baby was taken away to be checked over. As Lucas's eyes widened in horror, he watched Peyton, the love of his life, slowly fade away.

*

Lucas stared blindly out at the operating theatre, watching numbly as doctors rushed about hurriedly, ever since the rhythmic beat of the heart monitor suddenly plummeted and the chief surgeon yelled, "She's hemorrhaging!" After several minutes of this, the commotion ceased, and the doctors looked at one another and shook their heads sadly. "Time of death 18:53."

Lucas's world came crashing down around him, crushing him under its incredible force and forcing him to his knees. "No," he whispered. He wanted to scream it, but his throat was constricted from the sobs that racked his body. He could barely breathe. Around him, Brooke and Haley were having similar reactions, falling into the arms of their men, Nathan and Julian, who tried to stay strong, when really all they wanted to do was fall with them.

Eventually the chief surgeon entered the viewing room, apologizing, offering meaningless condolences, and assuring them that they did everything they possibly could to save her. The last part of his speech enraged Lucas. He jumped to his feet, leaping towards the surgeon and shoving him into the wall. "Did everything you possibly could? If you'd done everything you possibly could, she'd still be alive now!! My Peyton is dead, and _you_ couldn't save her!"

"Lucas! It's not his fault," Nathan cried as he and Julian tried to wrestle their friend off the squirming surgeon. "Just let him go man, let him go."

Lucas's grip on the surgeon loosened, and he allowed himself to be pulled away as he once more broke down, tears flooding his cheeks as he stared down at his wedding ring. _We were married only a few hours ago…and now she's gone. Gone forever._


	2. Laid Down into the Earth

**Laid Down into the Earth**

Crowds of black gathered in the graveyard, standing amongst rows and rows of graves. But there was only one grave that gripped everyone's attention. _Peyton Scott. Loving wife, mother and friend._

Brooke and Julian stood together, leaning close for support, as did Mia and Chase, Mouth and Millie, and Nathan and Haley, with Jamie by their side. Lucas was the only one who stood alone, except for Dan, who concealed himself behind a tree. He longed to go to his grieving son and comfort him, but he knew as soon as anyone saw him coming they'd send him away.

Just behind Lucas, his mother Karen stood holding her grandchild. Over the past two days, Lucas had done his very best to avoid coming into contact with his daughter, shunning her because she was the reason that they were here today, laying Peyton down into the earth. As the reverend finished off his final prayer, people took it in turn to scatter a handful of dirt onto the hard, solid wood of the coffin, before turning to leave, patting Lucas on the shoulder as they passed. Before long, Skills walked up to him and wrapped him in a tight hug, ignoring the fact that Lucas's shoulders stiffened at the touch.

"Look man, if there's anything you need, just call. Anytime," he offered. Lucas gave no response, so he turned and walked away. The next to leave were Nathan, Haley and Jamie, who said much the same.

A few feet away, Julian murmured quietly to Brooke. "Do you want to stay any longer? Do you want some time alone? I can go, if that's what you want."

"No, no, it's okay," Brooke said, reaching for his hands and wrapping hers around them. "I'm ready to go. Can you take me home?"

"Of course."

As they left also, Lucas turned to his mother. "Mom, can you leave me alone? I need some space. Time to think. Just go home, please."

Karen wanted to stay with her son so much, but understood the need for solitude, and smiled gently before she too walked away with the baby, leaving Lucas standing alone at the foot of Peyton's grave.

"What do you want to call her Peyton? She doesn't have a name yet. Doesn't even have a name…" Lucas spoke to his wife's grave, his voice thick with sorrow and anguish. "I don't know what to call her. I don't even know what to do with her." Silence enveloped him as he waited vainly for a reply from beyond the grave.

"Lucas."

He turned at the sound of his name, the voice with which had spoken was so very familiar to him. "Peyton? Is that you? Peyton!" He swirled around, eyes darting in every direction, attempting to determine the source of the sound.

"Lucas." Just several feet in front him, Peyton stepped out from behind a tree. She was still wearing her wedding dress, which was no longer blood stained, nor was she pregnant with their child. "It's okay Lucas, I'm still here. I'll always be here."

"Peyton!" Lucas cried, running towards her and thrusting her into his arms. "I thought I'd lost you!" He buried his face in her long hair, taking deep breaths of her sweet scent, tears streaking his cheek. "I saw you die…"

"I'm not dead Lucas," Peyton said, pulling away and smiling warmly at her husband, whose face was a mixture of fear, confusion, love, and longing. "Look, I'm right here. So where's my baby girl? Are you taking good care of her?"

"She's with mom," Lucas explained, feeling the need to hold his daughter for the first time since she'd come into this world. "What do want to call her?"

"Isn't it obvious? Sawyer. Sawyer Scott."

"Sawyer," Lucas breathed, a smile spreading across his face despite the tears that still fell. "It's perfect." He stood there, staring deep into Peyton's eyes, before pulling her close once more. "I'm never going to let you go again. Never."

*

Dan stood, Lucas's arms reaching around him, listening to his son cry.

"It's okay Lucas, you'll be fine," he soothed, "You're strong – you'll make it through this." Once everyone had left, Dan had come out of hiding to offer his support to his son. He didn't care if Lucas would have pushed him away, as long as he'd tried. But to his surprise, Lucas had run up to him and pulled him in a tight hug, murmuring something about Peyton, Sawyer…

"Peyton may be gone, but you've still got your baby girl to look after. A piece of her will always be with you."

"What?" Lucas stepped away and looked up. Instead of seeing Peyton, as he had expected, he was staring into the eyes of his father. "What are _you_ doing here? Where's Peyton? What have you done with her?!"

"I haven't done anything son, she's-"

"Stop lying to me!" Lucas interjected, his voice raised. "You killed her didn't you, just like you killed Uncle Keith!"

Dan took a step towards his son, who in turn took a step further away. "Lucas, you need to calm down and listen to me-"

"NO!" Lucas screamed, before turning around and running off through the cemetery, calling Peyton's name as he went. _Where did she go? _"PEYTON! Where are you?! Please don't leave me again! Please!"


	3. Everyone is Hurting Tonight

**Everyone is Hurting Tonight**

"I'm worried about Lucas," Haley said as Nathan came downstairs after putting Jamie to bed. "He doesn't want to have anything to do with his baby."

"Haley, I'm sure it's just while he's grieving for Peyton. It's going to take some time, but he'll realize that he has to pull himself together for his daughter," Nathan replied, walking towards his wife and kissing her gently on the forehead.

Haley was unconvinced. "But what if he doesn't?"

"Don't think like that Haley. He'll come round; you just need to give him some time." He sat down on the couch, beckoning her to join him. When she did, they cuddled together close, sitting in silence until Jamie came plodding down the stairs. "Jamie what are you doing out of bed?"

He walked over, stopping just in front of them. "Mom, is aunt Peyton with Quentin now?"

Haley tried to hide the tears that welled up in the corners of her eyes and keep her voice level when she replied. "Yes sweetie, she is."

"In a safe, happy place?"

That was too much for Haley; she turned her face away, looking to Nathan for support.

"Yes son, she is," he stepped in. "Now you need to go to bed. You've got school tomorrow, so you need some rest."

"Okay," Jamie said, dropping his head and heading back up the stairs. "Night Mom, night Dad."

"Goodnight Jamie. Sweet dreams."

As soon as he was out of ear shot, Haley let out a loud sob, tears flowing freely from her eyes, falling onto Nathan's shirt. "I miss her so much," she cried. "I just can't believe that she's gone."

"I know," Nathan murmured, "I miss her too." He held Haley close to his chest, feeling her body shake as she cried. "I was thinking of paying Lucas a visit tomorrow, on my own. Maybe even take him to the Rivercourt. He might tell me something that he couldn't tell you," he said, awaiting his wife's approval.

"Maybe that's a good idea."

Jamie suddenly reappeared after tip-toeing down the stairs, taking them by surprise. "Can I go see Uncle Lucas tomorrow with Dad?"

Haley and Nathan exchanged shocked glances, taken aback.

"I think someone's been listening in to private conversations Jamie," Nathan said, his eyes amused but his voice stern.

Jamie looked down at his feet, shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry. I just know Uncle Lucas will be sad like Quentin's mom was. I thought I could cheer him up."

Haley smiled sadly and motioned for Jamie to come to her, pulling him onto her lap.

"It's okay Jamie," she whispered, running her hands through his hair. "I'm sure your Dad will take you."

"Course I will bud," Nathan said, pushing his son playfully. "Now get back into bed."

*

Brooke dropped down on her bed, her feet grateful for the relief. She tried not to think about Peyton; she's cried so much already her cheeks were sore. A headache pounded through her temples; she rubbed them in an attempt to soothe the throbbing.

"Do you want some aspirin?" Julian stood under the doorframe, leaning against it, concern plaguing his eyes.

"No, it's okay," she said, shaking her head. "I just need a good night's sleep, that's all. Here, come join me." She patted the empty side of the bed next to her, which was soon filled with Julian's frame. None of them spoke further until Brooke finally ventured, "Julian? When are you going back to LA?"

"I'm not. I'm staying here with you."

As much as Brooke loved that answer, she couldn't help but doubt it. "What about the movie? Haven't you signed a contract?"

"I did sign a contract, but I'm sure I can find some loophole to get out of it," he replied, a smile playing on his lips.

"You can't do that Julian."

He frowned. "Why not? Right now, you need me more, and as long as you want me here, I'll stay with you. There'll be other movies Brooke, but there'll never be another you." He paused before adding, "You _do_ want me here, don't you?"

She smiled at him, placing a slow kiss on his lips. "Of course I want you here. I _need _you here." Another kiss. "I love you Julian."

"I love you too Brooke."

*

Karen sat in Lucas's house – her old home – rocking the baby back and forth, trying to send her to sleep. She glanced at the clock. 7_pm. It's getting late; Lucas has been out for hours. Maybe I should call Nathan, send him out to look for him? _Just as she thought this, Lucas came in through the door looking haggard and tired.

"Lucas, where have you been? I was getting worried," Karen said, staring at her weary son.

"It doesn't matter…I'm going to bed." Lucas turned and started towards his room, but his mother called after him.

"Aren't you going to kiss your daughter goodnight?" Karen asked. "Why don't you put her to bed tonight?"

Lucas stared for a while at his daughter. Earlier, in the cemetery, he _had_ wanted to hold her, but that was before Dan chased Peyton away again. _If Peyton still isn't here, then it's because of her. _"No," he murmured, and walked out the room without saying another word, leaving Karen staring after her son in shock.


	4. A Place From our Past

**_Sorry for the long update, I was busy with Christmas *Yay* Hope you all had a good one! Thanks for all the feedback I've been getting so far; this is my first fanfic so it is much appreciated!_**

* * *

**A Place From our Past**

Karen opened the door to find Nathan standing there with Jamie on his shoulders.

"Well, what a lovely surprise," she smiled, stepping out of the way to allow her guests to enter. "Come in."

"Hey Karen," Nathan said, lowering Jamie to the floor. "We were going to take Lucas to the Rivercourt. Is he here?"

She sighed. "He's here alright, but he hasn't surfaced from his room yet."

Nathan glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. "It's 11am already."

"He'll be awake, don't worry. He just doesn't come out of his room much," Karen explained, her voice sad and low. "He doesn't even speak to me much."

Nathan shot her a sympathetic look before gently nudging Jamie. "Why don't you go get your Uncle Lucas?"

"Okay!" Jamie beamed, running off to do what was asked of him.

As soon as he was out of earshot Nathan spoke up. "How are you holding up Karen?"

"I'm doing okay…" she started, then added in a hesitant whisper. "It's just Lucas…he's so withdrawn and detached, especially towards the baby. I hate seeing him like this."

Nathan placed a comforting hand on Karen's shoulder. "Like I said to Haley, I'm sure it's just while he's grieving for Peyton."

"But you haven't seen him!" she hissed. "He won't feed her or hold her…he hasn't even got a name for her yet."

Just as Nathan opened his mouth to respond Jamie came running in, dragging Lucas behind him. "We're ready to go!" he cried excitedly, whilst Lucas just nodded mutely.

* * *

Nathan, Lucas and Jamie were playing a small game of basketball on the Rivercourt. Nathan thought it would help Lucas take his mind of things for a while, just let him relax whilst playing the game that he loved, but apparently it didn't. Lucas _did_ play, but his heart wasn't in it. There was no spirit or enthusiasm in his eyes or movements; he moved mechanically. His mind was too busy reminiscing all the times he had been here before, with Peyton…

Jamie passed the ball to Lucas who raised it high, bending his knees slightly as he prepared for the shot, but a flicker of white in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Dismissing it, he focused once more on the net but yet another white flash captivated him. He glanced around, searching for whatever it had been. It was like an optical illusion; white flashed at the edges of his vision but when he turned to see it, it had dissolved away.

"Lucas? Are you okay?" Nathan asked, but got no response; Lucas just stood there looking around. "What are you looking for?"

"Can't you see it?" he cried, spinning round to face his brother.

Confused at his uncle's actions, Jamie asked, "See what Uncle Lucas?"

"The white," he breathed, not loud enough for either of them to hear. After standing for a few moments without any further sightings, he shrugged and continued on playing as if nothing had happened, leaving Nathan feeling rather puzzled and unsettled.

Half an hour later, after receiving a call from an impatient Haley informing them that dinner was waiting on the table for them, Nathan and Jamie began heading towards the car, expecting Lucas to follow. But he didn't. The pair got into the car and didn't notice his absence till Nathan turned to speak to him.

"Hey Lucas, I was wondering if – Lucas?" Nathan frowned, looking round. "Jamie, where'd your Uncle Luke go?"

Jamie shrugged. "I don't know Dad, I thought he was behind us."

"So did I," Nathan murmured, twisting round to try to catch a glimpse of Lucas. He was a second too late, therefore he missed seeing Lucas running off into the distance.

*

Lucas had just been about to follow after his brother and nephew when, out in the distance, the sliver of white had returned, only it remained stationary this time and did not disappear when he turned towards it. As he strained his eyes to focus on it, his heart leapt at the thought of who it could be.

"Peyton."

His legs plunged into motion as he sped towards where Peyton was waiting, a smile etched onto his face. _She's come back for me again! _As Lucas neared the ghostly silhouette he tripped over a root and stumbled, losing his balance and falling down on one knee. He hurried to his feet, but was crestfallen when he looked back up and saw that Peyton was no longer standing there.

"No, not again Peyton! Come back! Come back to me…"

*

"How was the Rivercourt?" Karen asked as Lucas idly paced the room, apparently figuring out something to do.

"Fine."

"Did it feel good to get out of the house for a while? I bet you've not played basketball in ages," Karen surmised, hoping to stretch out her son's monosyllabic replies.

"It didn't feel any different."

Karen slammed her fists into the armchair, her anger slipping momentarily. "Okay that's it Lucas," she yelled, getting up and standing in front of him, staring him in the eyes. "What's going on with you?"

Lucas folded his arms, defensive. "What do you think is going on with me?"

Karen shook her head. "Answer me properly Lucas. I want to know what's going on inside your head. Just talk to me."

"I have nothing to say."

Lucas watched as Karen turned and left the room, returning a minute or so later with his baby. He stood staring at his mother with expectant eyes. "What?"

"Look at your baby Lucas! _Your _baby! She's your daughter. You need to hold her," Karen pleaded, "She needs her father-"

"_NO!"_ he roared with such force that Karen flinched and the baby awoke from its slumber. "I don't want to! I don't want anything to do with her!"

"Why not?!" Karen cried, horrified.

"Because _she's _the reason Peyton's gone!" Lucas shrieked, his voice breaking and his eyes filling with tears. "If it weren't for _her_, Peyton would still be here, and everything would be okay." And with that, he began stalking out of the room, walking away from his crying child. Before he disappeared around the corner, he called over his shoulder, "She killed Peyton. And because of that, she's dead to me too."


	5. I'll Cross This Great Divide

**I'll Cross This Great Divide To Be With You**

A red rose fell from shaking fingers, landing roughly on freshly dug soil; its blood red petals in a stark contrast to the dull sky above. Tears full of pain and loss joined the rose, lying at the foot of a grave. Peyton's grave.

"Oh Peyton," Lucas whispered, his chest falling in a heavy sigh. "I miss you so damn much. I can't…I just, I can't…you made me whole Peyton, and now that you're gone, I'm broken." He rocked on his heels, tears flowing freely from his drained eyes, tracing wet lines down his cheeks. "I can't live without you Peyton…I can't eat, I can't sleep. It kills me just to breathe, knowing that you aren't breathing too."

He was alone in the cemetery; the sky was overcast with a thick spread of dark clouds, swallowing up the only rays of the early morning sun. The gloomy atmosphere lay across every blade of grass, every gravestone, and every thought in Lucas's mind.

"I'd give anything to be with you again, just to hold you in my arms one more time. You're my life Peyton. Without you, I have no reason to live. I _don't want _to live without you," Lucas cried wistfully. "I'll do anything to be with you…just to be with you…" he trailed off, casting a thoughtful, sidelong glance at the tall tree with wide pverhanging branches that towered a few feet away, before looking down at the tie that hung loosely round his neck, contemplating his darkest thought. Thinking the unthinkable…

* * *

A frantic pounding on the door dragged Nathan and Haley prematurely from their beds.

"Alright already, we're coming," Nathan yelled in annoyance as he trudged down the stairs, still half asleep. He was closely followed by Haley who was just shrugging on her dressing gown.

"Haley! Nathan! Please, I need your help!" a panicked voice cried from outside.

Haley frowned, picking up her pace. "That's Karen. What on earth could she-"

"NATHAN! HALEY!"

Nathan fumbled with his keys, attempting to find the right one before Karen smashed her way through the door.

"Karen, what's-"

"Have you seen Lucas?" Karen interjected, her eyes wide and wild.

Haley shook her head, observing the baby in the pram behind Karen. "What's going on Karen? Is everything okay?"

"I can't find Lucas! He's gone. I went-"

"Hold on Karen," Nathan said, holding up a hand to silence her temporarily. Come inside and explain what's happened." He stepped aside and Karen wheeled the pram in, the door gliding shut behind her.

Haley smiled at Karen encouragingly. "Start from the beginning."

"It was around 5:30; I'd just gotten up to feed the baby. I decided to check in on Lucas. I don't know why, but I did," Karen explained. "But he wasn't there. He's gone, and so has his car. And he didn't take his cell with him either. I've checked around his room, and nothing seems to be missing, no clothes or his passport or anything."

Haley shot a worried glance at Nathan, who deliberated over what to do. "Okay," he started, "Karen, why don't you stay here with the baby and Haley. I'll go get dressed and look for him."

"No!" Karen cried. "I want to help you look! I can't just sit around here doing nothing."

"You won't be doing nothing, you'll be looking after the baby," Nathan retorted.

Haley stared discreetly at Karen, observing the desperation and fear in her eyes, her own eyes watering in empathy. "Nathan, what if we call Deb and ask her to come over and stay with Jamie and the baby? Then me and Karen can come with you. After all, three sets of eyes are better than one, right?"

Nathan mulled it over for a while, but gave in, knowing that Karen wouldn't stay put as long as Lucas was out there alone.

* * *

A shrill ringing filled the silence of Brooke's bedroom.

"Brooke, phone," Julian murmured, having no intention of answering it for her.

Brooke groaned and reached out for the phone blindly, her eyes heavy-lidded and thick with sleep. "Who on earth is calling at this hour? What time is it Julian?"

"6:15," was the grumbled response.

When Brooke had finally managed to grab hold of the phone she pressed it against her ear. "Hello?" she said, her voice groggy. "Do you have any idea what time-"

"Brooke! Brooke, it's Haley," a familiar voice crackled through the speaker.

"Haley? Is something wrong?"

"Lucas has gone missing. You haven't by any chance seen him, have you?"

Brooke sat up quickly, feeling instantly awake after receiving the news. "No, no I haven't. Have you tried calling him?"

"Karen says he left his phone in his room. We're out looking for him now."

"We'll come and help," Brooke said defiantly, picking up her pillow and throwing it at Julian to wake him up. "We'll head to the Rivercourt first." She hung up and jumped out of bed, hurriedly searching her room for any suitable clothes, while yelling at Julian to get a move on.

* * *

Haley snapped shut her cell and gazed out of the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of either Lucas or his car. Karen was doing much the same; Nathan was directing the car towards Tric. Tree Hill was quiet; apparently there wasn't much life at 6 o'clock in the morning.

As they pulled into the parking lot, Karen's heart sank as she failed to find Lucas's car.

"Wait here," Nathan instructed. "I'll go in and check anyway, just incase." He got out of the car and walked towards the building, leaving Haley and Karen sitting in silence.

Eventually, Haley spoke up, turning round in her seat to face Karen. "Karen? Do you have any idea as to why Lucas would have gone off like this?"

Karen's eyes grew even sadder as her mind flashed back to what Lucas had said the previous night. "If anything, I think it's coming from what he said to me last night."

"Which was…?"

"He said he didn't want the baby. He blames her for Peyton's death," Karen sobbed, tears falling faster now. "He said the baby was dead to him. How could he say that Haley? How could he?"

It took several moments for Haley to respond. She was having difficulty comprehending how her best friend could say those kinds of things about his daughter. But then she remembered the way Lucas had avoided the baby, and was very detached from her. And for the first time since Peyton died, Haley felt truly afraid of just what was going through Lucas's mind, and what he would do.

* * *

Just as Brooke and Julian were getting out of the car, they turned to see Nathan driving into the cemetery, pulling up beside them.

"So you guys had the same idea too," Julian surmised as the other search party got out of their car.

Haley asked, "I take it Lucas wasn't at the Rivercourt?"

Brooke shook her said sadly. "No, he wasn't. We've looked just about everywhere else we could think of. This is the last place."

Haley gripped Nathan's hand tight, clinging onto him as she went over and over in her mind every time she had seen Lucas with the baby, and how he had acted with her, scrutinizing every little detail. The pair started towards Peyton's grave, with Julian and Brooke, and Karen close behind.

As they neared their destination, the tall tree that stood nearby the grave cast a long shadow over them, but its shape was slightly deformed. Haley frowned, dragging her eyes from the ground to look up. Once she did, her body went rigid with fear and alarm, her mouth going dry.

Nathan felt his wife's hand tense in his. "What's wrong Haley?"

She couldn't manage to get her words out, so she raised a slow, shaking hand to point towards the scene that had caused her such shock. As the rest of the group beheld the same sight, sharp intakes of breath and cries sounded.

Karen felt as though her heart was exploding when she saw her son. "_LUCAS!!!"_


	6. Open Your Eyes

**Open Your Eyes**

"_Isn't it a beautiful day?" Peyton asked, staring up at a brilliantly bright blue sky. She lay in the grass beside Lucas, the sun caressing her face, making her look even more beautiful as she smiled happily._

"_Not as beautiful as you," Lucas grinned, rolling over to give her a kiss on the cheek._

_She pushed him off playfully, taking hold of his hand and turning to look at him, her eyes sparkling. "I love you Lucas Scott."_

"_I love you Peyton Sawyer," Lucas said dreamily, feeling happier than he'd ever felt before._

Lucas slowly opened his eyes, but squinted them sharply as he was greeted by bright, shining lights that glared down at him from above. _Where am I? _He frowned. _Is this heaven? Is Peyton here?_

"Peyton," he murmured, once again lifting his lids, allowing his eyes to get accustomed to the sudden bright light. His head was so groggy; his thoughts in disarray as he struggled to think clearly, attempting to recall the last thing he could remember. _Where's Peyton…? _He opened his lips to shout his wife's name, but his throat screamed in protest, erupting in a burning fire to silence him.

As he tried to sit up, Lucas coughed and spluttered; his throat and mouth were so dry that it burned him to breathe. Once sitting, he gazed around the room curiously, taking in his surroundings. Broken blinds hung limply over the windows, its haphazard plastic strips blocking little of the afternoon sunlight that filtered through. A handful of uncomfortable-looking chairs stood on either side of the bed in which Lucas lay. His brow knit together. _This doesn't look much like heaven._

"Lucas."

It was a familiar female voice, but not who he wanted to hear. Lucas dropped back down into the bed roughly, screwing his eyes shut, feigning slumber; he didn't want to see the person who the voice belonged too.

"Lucas, it's no use pretending to be asleep, I saw you sitting up."

Sighing in defeat, Lucas opened his eyes once more but after seeing the group of people that had just walked in the room, he stayed silent, making no other response. He didn't want to talk to his mother, or Haley, or Nathan, or Brooke or Skills. Only Peyton.

*

Karen felt such a wave of relief as she saw her son awake. Even though she was so unbelievably delighted to see him free from Death's grip, she couldn't help but want to slap him for doing something as stupid as this. However she swallowed her opinions, keeping her voice steady as she asked how he was feeling.

Lucas appeared to mull over the answer in his head, seemingly having a very lengthy one, but he kept it locked within his mind. "Fine."

Karen sighed. _Back to the monosyllabic replies, I see._

Brooke walked forward and sat in the chair closest to Lucas, placing her hand on his and stroking it gently to show her support. "Can you remember what happened?"

Lucas bit his lip and his eyes grew wet as he recalled, however he refrained from shedding a tear. "Vaguely."

"Why'd you do it Luke?" Nathan asked, a slight judgmental edge to his words. "How could you even consider it, let alone actually do it?"

Nathan watched as his brother dropped his gaze to his hands, his fingers fumbling as he tried to avoid answering the question. He felt his temper flare momentarily. _If Lucas had the nerve to try and kill himself, then he can sure as hell explain himself._

"Look man, just tell us," Skills encouraged. "We can help."

Lucas jerked his head in his friend's direction. "And what can you possibly do to help me?" He said bitterly. "Can you bring Peyton back from the dead? Can you go back in time and stop this ever happening? Can you-"

"Stop it Lucas, it's not fair," Karen interjected her son's rant.

"Not fair?" Let me tell you what's not fair," Lucas raged, continuing on though his voice was grated and the pain in his throat begged him to stop. "Peyton _dying_. Me, being left all alone, to carry on without her."

Karen's frustration got the better of her. "Lucas! Why can't you open your eyes! Are you so utterly _blinded_ by grief and self-pity?" she screeched, exasperated, before continuing in a softer tone. "You're _not _alone, Lucas. You've got a baby, your _daughter. _Yes, Peyton's gone, and that's terrible, truly terrible. But your child is a part of Peyton; you'll never truly be without her."

An awkward silence enveloped the room as Lucas chewed on his lip, refusing to meet his mother's or anyone else's gaze. His brother and friends shifted uncomfortably before Haley gathered enough courage to break the silence.

"Lucas," she said gently, walking over to sit by his bedside with Brooke. "We're just worried about you. We _care _about you. So please, can you just talk to us, and tell us why you, you tried…" she stammered, not wanting to finish the sentence. "…_why _you did it?"

"I would've thought that much was pretty obvious," Lucas muttered, rolling over on his side to face away from Brooke and Haley. Just then, an old, kindly-looking nurse entered the room to check on him.

"I'm sorry," the nurse started, "but we can't have this many visitors at once."

"It's okay, they were just leaving. _All _of them," Lucas murmured.

Karen shook her head defiantly. "No Lucas, I am _not _leaving you. Never."

Lucas lifted his head to look at the nurse, and asked in a detached tone, "Please nurse, can you make them all go? I don't want _them_ here." _I want Peyton here._

The nurse explained, "If he wants you to go, I'm afraid you have to."

"No!" Karen cried.

"I don't want to have to call security," the nurse said sternly.

Nathan walked over to Haley and took hold of her hand, pulling her up out of the chair. "Come on Hales, let's go. We'll wait in the car for you Karen."

Haley followed after him reluctantly, looking back at her best friend lying weakly in the hospital bed, his neck bandaged to hide the ring of raw flesh. "I'll come back tomorrow Luke."

Lucas said nothing, and the pair walked out of the room with Skills, who waved a silent goodbye. Brooke squeezed Lucas's hands one last time before she too got up to leave, pulling out her phone to call Julian.

Karen started, "Lucas, will you _please _just-"

"Just go mom!" Lucas roared. "Leave me alone. I don't want you here, so just go away."

"I really must insist that you leave," the nurse added.

Karen's heart plummeted as she slowly turned to leave, her body racking with confined sobs as she went. Ignoring the sound of the nurse bustling about and attempting to ask him questions, Lucas closed his eyes and willed himself back to sleep, back to dreams of Peyton…


	7. Everybody Needs Someone To Talk To

**_I just wanna say a great big thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing this. Your comments are very greatly appreciated and they do inspire me and give me ideas. Thanks :)_**

**Everybody Needs Someone To Talk To**

Lucas sighed, rolling his eyes in annoyance. Karen and Haley were bombarding him with a never-ending torrent of questions that he had no intention of answering, at least not fully and honestly. He could see the frustration and fear in his mother's eyes, see the way she tried to hide it, see the way she tried to stay calm when his vague replies infuriated her. But most of all, he could see how much this was hurting her.

_Good, _Lucas thought as he ignored yet another question thrown at him. _I want her to hurt. I want the whole world to hurt._

Haley held Lucas's hand tightly, as if she could drag him out of this nightmare. It broke her heart to see her best friend like this, to hear his detached monotone responses. But no matter how hard she and Karen tried, they couldn't force Lucas to speak openly with them. Until, after nearly two hours of questions and lectures, Lucas finally snapped.

*

"Will you give up already?!" Lucas roared, throwing his hands up in the air. "I have no desire to tell you anything, because there's nothing to tell. Peyton's dead, and I don't want to – I _can't _– live without her."

Karen started, "Lucas, I know it's hard, so incredibly hard, but you have to move on with your life." After seeing her son's face twist in anger at her words, she quickly added, "I'm not saying you have to forget about Peyton, of course not. I'm just saying that life is cruel, but it carries on."

"For me it does," Lucas muttered darkly. "But what about Peyton?"

Haley dropped her head, trying to fight back the tears that were so eager to escape.

"I thought you of all people would understand Mom," Lucas continued, eyes narrowed and his stare accusing. "How can you be like this, saying all of these things? Can't you remember what _you _were like when Keith died?"

Karen nodded slowly. "I know how I was Lucas. But how did that make _you _feel, seeing me like that?" Her son remained mute, so she ploughed on, determined to make him see sense. "I feel exactly the same way now."

"Karen's right Luke," Haley said, stroking Lucas's hand with her thumb. "Listen to your mother. Just remember that you'll never be alone. We're all here for you, no matter what." She gave him her warmest smile, and to her greatest delight, she saw his eyes flicker with emotion, if only briefly, and a ghost of a smile danced on his lips. _Yes, _she cried joyfully inside. _We're getting through to him!_

But just as she thought that, Karen suggested something that brought all their hard work crashing down around their ears, and they were soon hurtling back towards square one. "Look Lucas," she said, her voice soft and caring. She sat down on the hospital bed, taking hold of his free hand and stroking it also like Haley. "I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Just remember that…" She sighed. "Lucas, you're gonna have to talk sometime, whether it's to me, or Haley, or Nathan or anyone. You can't keep it bottled up inside forever. It'll eat away at you, driving you crazy until you do something like this again. So I've given this a lot of thought Lucas. If you don't feel comfortable talking to any of us, then I think you should talk to someone…professional."

Lucas's face fell and his eyes widened in shock. Haley and Karen felt his hands clench into fists before he pulled them out of their grasps. "You want me to go see a _psychiatrist_? Are you serious?"

Even Haley was a little bit stunned at Karen. She thought that would've been the last thing Karen would have proposed. _Why did she even suggest something like this? Of course Lucas would never agree. Who ever does? _However Karen shot her a quick look, begging her to understand and support her. Haley duly complied. "Hear your mother out Luke," she started, trying to keep the surprise out of her voice. "You _do _need to talk to someone. If you keep lashing out at us, you're gonna end up driving everyone away, and then you _will _be alone." _Damn, _Haley bit her lip, watching Lucas carefully. _That sounded a lot better in my head._

"What happened to 'we're all here for you, no matter what', eh?" Lucas scoffed. "I can't believe you'd even have the nerve to suggest something like that." He folded his arms in defiance. "I'm not going to see a psychiatrist, therapist, grief counselor or anything. I'm coping perfectly fine on my own. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I don't _want _to talk?"

Karen chose to ignore the last statement, focusing on his earlier comment. "Coping perfectly fine on your own? I don't call attempting suicide as coping perfectly fine!"

Lucas shrugged. "Lapse of judgment." Of course that wasn't true; when he'd hung his tie as a noose around his neck he had every intention of wanting to die, as he still had now, but he just wanted his mother to _shut up._ Unfortunately, Karen wasn't fooled.

"Oh really?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "I know when you're lying Lucas." She was well are that she was most probably pushing Lucas further away, but she _had _to make him see sense, whether it was from her or a psychologist. In the long run, it was worth the hateful way he looked at her. Just. "Believe me Lucas, this is a last resort. I knew you'd be in a terrible state after Peyton died, but I never expected you to try to kill yourself."

"Guess you don't know me as well as you thought you did," he sneered, aiming to hurt.

Haley shifted uncomfortably, not sure of what to do. Lucas caught her movement.

"Wondering what you should say or do, aren't you?" he said coldly; his voice was as hollow and unfamiliar as a stranger. It didn't belong to him. It wasn't Lucas talking. "Well let me give you an idea. _Get out_."

"You've thrown us out once Luke, and you're not going to do it again," Karen said firmly.

"Just watch me," he scowled, clambering out of bed. "I want you to leave, so I can get changed and get out of here. These four walls are driving me crazy."

_Just how crazy, _Karen wondered. She looked at her son, his eyes cold and distant, his voice harsh and cruel, his face mocking and tormented…he looked so haunted. He looked like an entirely different person.

"I just want you back Lucas," she whispered, tears springing to her eyes. "Please, just calm down and let us take you home, so we can-"

"So we can what? _Talk_? I've already told you, I don't want to talk," Lucas spat, then added after a moment's thought. "And _mom_" - he sneered the word – "when I said I wanted you to leave, I didn't just mean the room. I meant Tree Hill."

Karen's heart hit the floor, her mouth agape, as was Haley's.

"Lucas, you can't mean that," Haley started, seeing Karen breaking down into tears.

"I do," Lucas shot back, turning to face his mother. "Just leave and don't come back. I mean that. Don't come back. _Ever_."


	8. Visions of an Angel

**Visions of an Angel**

Lucas sat on his hospital bed, idly twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the nurse to return with the discharge forms. His eyes were blank as he stared out into space; his thoughts numb. It wasn't until Peyton whispered in his ear that he noticed her presence.

"Lucas."

He jerked at the sound of his dead wife's voice, his face twisting towards her. When his eyes fell on her, a grin stretched his cheeks. "Peyton! You've come back to me again!" He threw his arms around her, pulling her close and pressing a longing kiss on her soft lips. They fell back onto the bed, locked in a loving embrace. Lucas felt Peyton smile before she broke away.

"I never left," she said, cupping his face in her hands. "I've been here all along, you just forgot." She let her hands slip down to his neck, tracing the line around it which the bandage had previously concealed. "Oh baby, how could you do this to yourself?"

"I thought you were gone," Lucas mumbled, a solitary tear tracing a path of regret along his cheek. "I couldn't live without you. I wanted-"

"Ssshh now, it's okay," Peyton said, placing a finger across Lucas's lips to still them. "Everything's gonna be okay."

Lucas grabbed hold of her hands, gripping them tightly in his. "Please don't leave me again," he begged, eyes wet and weary, as if he'd lived a thousand years and fought a hundred battles. "Please…"

"I already told you that I was always here Lucas," Peyton sighed. "I'm gonna come home with you to see Sawyer. How is she?"

Lucas's body tensed. His voice was distant as he replied, "I wouldn't know." He flinched as he saw the hurt in Peyton's eyes. "I mean, Mom's been looking after her, and-"

"Why haven't _you_ been looking after her?"

Lucas dropped his gaze, for the first time being able to tear it away from his wife's face. "I didn't want to," he replied honestly. When he looked back at Peyton, seeing the confusion cloud her beautiful features, he elaborated with his voice full of torment. "She took you away from me! It's all her fault!"

Peyton went to sit up but Lucas pulled her onto him, holding her close to his chest. "Don't go, you _can't_."

"You can't abandon you're daughter. You're all she has."

Lucas did a double take, relaxing his hold on his wife. "I thought you said you weren't going away again!"

"Oh Lucas, I'm not," Peyton murmured, stroking his cheek. "Of course I'm not. All I'm saying is that you need to look after her. You're her father. Her _father_."

Lucas listened to her intently. _Her father…her father… _"I'm her father," he breathed, pride swelling in his broken heart. For the first time, coming from Peyton's lips, the meaning behind those words struck him and it made him feel an inkling of hope. He smiled with genuine joy, running his fingers through Peyton's hair and playing with it. "I'm her father."

The nurse was walking down the corridor, discharge forms in hand; she reached Lucas's room but stopped with her hand on the door handle. She frowned through the window, hesitating. She stood there for a few moments, watching her patient twirl his fingers in the air, his face a mad grin. It seemed as if he was talking to himself. Mentally shaking herself, the nurse opened the door. "I've got your discharge forms for you Mr. Scott. All you need-"

"I'm her father!" he cried, bounding towards her and grabbing the forms from her hand, eager to fill them in. "I'm gonna go home to see Sawyer, with Peyton, and we're gonna be a family again." He turned around and beamed back at the empty bed.

* * *

_Just leave and don't come back. Ever. _Her son's words echoed through Karen's head as she stared down into her cup of coffee. Beside her, Haley sat down and rubbed her back comfortingly.

"He's not in his right mind Karen," she said. "He doesn't mean it."

"It sounded like he did," Karen shot back. "You heard him yourself. Heard the hate in his words; saw the loathing in his eyes."

Haley bit her lip, toying with whether she should say what she wanted to. She shook her head. "Karen, I want Lucas to get better as much as you do. So does everyone else. But how did you expect him to react when you told him you thought he should see a psychiatrist? I mean, really?"

Karen's shoulders slumped. "I don't know," she sighed honestly. "I hoped he would agree. If he'd just _talk _to someone. Anyone! I thought it would help."

Nathan walked into the room with Brooke in tow. "Brooke went to the hospital but Lucas was gone, so she came here. I've already told her what he said to Karen."

Brooke walked closer to Karen. "Lucas is in a really dark place right now, and I'm-"

"Yes, yes. I've already had this speech from Haley," Karen said, waving her off. She froze. "Wait, you said Lucas wasn't at the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"When was this?"

"About half an hour ago, maybe longer. Why?"

Karen frowned, ignoring Brooke's question. "Do you think he's gone home? Do you think he'll even wonder where his daughter is?"

Haley, Brooke and Nathan shared nervous glances, all unsure of what to say, when Karen's questions were answered for them by an angry pounding at the door, much like Karen had just a few days ago.

"I know you're in there Mom!"

All four turned to see Lucas's narrowed eyes staring at them through the slits in the blinds.

"Come on out!" he shrieked. "_Give me Sawyer!" _

Brooke frowned. "Who's Sawyer?"

"Give me Sawyer!" Lucas screeched again. "Give me my daughter. I'm her father. _Her father_!"


	9. A Mere Fraction of Who I Was Before

**_Thanks to enid18 for the idea and inspiration :)_**

* * *

**A Mere Fraction of Who I Was Before**

Nathan opened the door; an enraged Lucas stood snarling in the doorway. "Where's Sawyer? Where is she?"

Karen stood slowly, suspicious. _One minute he's saying she's dead to him, the next he wants her? What on earth is going through his poor mind? _"Lucas, calm down, she's here. It's okay, she's right here," she soothed.

"Right where?"

Karen walked over to her son and took hold of his hand, gently pulling him inside; Lucas allowed himself to be dragged along with obvious reluctance. "Come in and sit down with us, and we'll get everything sorted out, okay?"

Lucas nodded mutely, sitting down on the couch with his mother, eyeing her warily. Nathan sat down on the other side of his brother, ready in case he decided to have a violent outburst. He hated thinking like that, but right now, Nathan was completely unnerved by Lucas in his current state of mind. After all, Lucas had already proved that his mood could suddenly veer off in any direction. Brooke and Haley pulled up chairs opposite them, also watching guardedly.

Karen was the first to speak. "Look Lucas, don't get me wrong – I'm glad you want to spend time with your daughter, _believe _me, but you can't blame me for being a bit apprehensive, okay? Can you just tell me what's brought on this sudden attitude change towards her?"

Calmly, Lucas smiled, an almost delirious edge to it. "I thought she'd killed Peyton, but I was wrong. I know that now."

"You wanna take her – Sawyer – home?" Brooke ventured, and after Lucas's nod of agreement, she continued, "You know, you can both come stay the night with me and Julian, so you're not alone, if you want."

"Same goes for us too Luke," Haley said, speaking on behalf of herself and her husband.

Karen added to the offers, "I can always come home with you too."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "How many times will it take for you to understand? I'm _not _alone."

_Earlier, you thought you were alone, _Karen thought. _So alone that you tried to kill yourself. _"Okay Lucas, but if-"

Lucas stood up, the smile had disappeared from his face and had been replaced with a look of annoyance. He began to walk towards his daughter, who lay asleep in her pram at the far end of the room. He stopped when he reached her, looking down into her peaceful face with a look of such affection it almost convinced Karen that Lucas was really okay. Almost. Lucas reached down into the pram and picked Sawyer up, cradling her in his arms and rocking her as she began to stir.

"Ssh, it's okay Sawyer. Daddy's here," he whispered, wrapping the soft cotton blanket around her to keep her warm. He turned around swiftly, making his way towards the door, but Nathan was blocking his way.

"I'm sorry Luke, but do you really think we'll let you take Sawyer in the state you're in?" Nathan said, folding his arms.

Lucas pulled Sawyer close protectively as both Haley and Brooke approached him. "You won't let me have my own daughter? You were the ones trying to tell me that I should connect with her, and now you won't let me!"

"That's not what we're saying Lucas-"

"You want to take her away from me, don't you?!" Lucas shrieked, waking Sawyer from her sleep prematurely, causing her to complain loudly.

Karen's voice raised, unable to contain the torrent of emotions that were flooding her mind. "If you carry on like this I _will _take her!" Nathan, Haley and Brooke stared at Karen in stunned silence, but she continued anyway. "I've tried and tried to get through to you Lucas, but it's obvious that there's nothing more I can do. This whole situation is beyond me; I've been trying to make you see sense but you just don't want to listen! You're my son Lucas; I love you so much, and that's why it's gonna hurt to have to give you a choice like this, but this is the final straw. You're not fit to look after her like this, especially not alone. Go and get some help, and when you're better you can have Sawyer back. But if you _don't_, if you refuse and carry on like this, so wild and uncontrolled, then I'm going to leave town like you asked, but I'm gonna take Sawyer with me. You told me to never come back, so I won't, but that means neither will Sawyer. You'll never see Sawyer again if you don't get help Lucas."

*

Lucas stood rigidly as Sawyer cried in his arms. He was trying to process the ultimatum his mother had just given him. "How could you?" he breathed, then louder, "_How could you?!_" He tried to shove his way past Nathan but he held firm.

"No Luke, you're not going anywhere," Nathan said, and reached out for Sawyer but Lucas jumped backwards.

"You're not having her," Lucas spat. "She's _my _daughter. So just stay away." He whirled to face Karen then. "I can't believe you'd do something like that. No, no, you wouldn't. You haven't got it in you, have you Mom? You're just sweet little Karen who had her heart broken by the big bad Dan and was left to raise their child on her own; everyone feels so sorry for you. You think you had it so hard, right? _Wrong._" Lucas sneered, slowly backing away, edging towards the back door. "You keep coming back to the point that I'm alone; it seems to be your main argument. But that's another thing where you're wrong."

Nathan saw what his brother was doing and ran around behind him to cut him off; Brooke and Haley darted forward and wrestled Sawyer out of Lucas's hands and rushed backwards, trying to put a fair distance between them, feeling genuinely fearful. Lucas bent down to pick up Sawyer's baby blanket which had fallen to the floor. As he stood back up, he clenched the blanket in his fists and was about to make a lunge at his two friends when his mother started yelling at him.

"You need _help_ Lucas!" Karen cried, close to begging. "You need-"

"I don't need anything! No help, not from any of you, not from a psychiatrist, _no one!_" Lucas shrieked.

Haley started, "You can't be alone Luke, not like this."

Lucas laughed, a humourless, hollow sound. "You just don't get it do you? Are you all _blind_? I'm not alone, and I never will be! I've got Peyton!"

Brooke frowned. "What do you mean Lucas?"

"What do you think I mean?" Lucas asked, exasperated. "I've got Peyton. She's right here." He was greeted only with blank faces. "She's _there_!" He spun round, pointing to an empty spot just several metres behind him. "So just give me back Sawyer and we'll go home and everything will be back to normal."

Karen, Brooke, Nathan and Haley stared at Lucas in disbelief, unable to comprehend the full ramifications of what he had just said.

When Karen next spoke, her voice was much softer, it had lost all of its previous anger and fear. "Lucas, honey, you're saying Peyton is standing over there?"

"Yes, she is."

"What's she wearing?" Karen asked, trying to determine whether Lucas was solidly seeing his dead wife.

A small smile played on Lucas's lips. "Her wedding dress. She looks beautiful."

"Does Peyton ever speak to you?"

Lucas nodded. "Of course she does. She was the one that helped me see the truth." He turned back to smile fondly at the space where he was seeing Peyton standing there waiting for him. "Peyton never left, you see. She didn't die, so Sawyer never killed her. Please, just give me Sawyer so we can be a family again. So I can be happy again."

_So I can be happy again. _

Karen felt her already battered, broken heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.


	10. Can You Hear Me?

**Can You Hear Me?**

_Two days later..._

In Nathan's arms, Haley watched the heartbreaking scene unfold before her teary eyes.

Karen was sobbing into Andy's chest, unable to look, not wanting to hear her son's cries. Andy held her close; his arms wrapped tight around her, whispering soothing words of comfort into her ears, telling her that she'd made the right decision. However, right now, Karen was struggling to believe him.

Just in front of them, a livid, shrieking Lucas was being dragged away by two burly-looking men in white scrubs.

Lucas's eyes were wild and desperate; he pleaded to be let go, he demanded it, then he pleaded some more. "Let me go!" he screamed, trying to wrestle himself free from the men's iron grips.. "I'm fine, just let me go! Why is no one listening to me? _LET ME GO._"

Nathan watched his brother silently.

"Just listen to me," Lucas begged, cheeks streaming endlessly down his cheeks. "Please, just listen to me."

Haley didn't know who his words were aimed at for his eyes darted around madly, searching every face. Eyes so full of confusion, fear, hatred and betrayal…

Finally, his frantic gaze landed upon his mother, and his look grew accusing. "How could you?" he spat, voice full of loathing.

Karen dared to look at her son, willing him to understand. "Lucas, you have to belie-"

"_HOW COULD YOU?!_" Lucas screeched, yanking his arms free and running to charge at his mother.

Karen was genuinely afraid. Afraid of her own son.

Lucas never made it however; one of the men grabbed Lucas's wrist and pulled him back into an arm lock whilst the other jabbed a needle into Lucas's strained neck. Lucas struggled and fought for a few more moments, before his arms dropped limply to his side and he slumped back into the man's hold, eyelids flickering closed.

As Lucas was carried away to the van, the man who had yielded the needle approached Karen.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Scott, but I had no other choice," he explained.

Karen couldn't find any words; she was shaking too much, so Andy spoke for her. "It's okay, we understand. Thank you."

The man gave a curt nod before turning away and stalking to the van to assist his colleague in strapping Lucas to the bed in the back of the van. No one spoke until the van had driven off and disappeared around the corner of the street.

"Come on, let's go inside," Andy said softly, starting to walk away; he gently pulled Karen with him. "We can go visit him first thing tomorrow honey."

Haley wanted to say something, but when she tried to only strangled sobs escaped her lips.

"You did the right thing Karen," Nathan assured her, seemingly reading his wife's mind. "It was a really hard choice to make, but it was the right decision without a doubt. Lucas needs help that none of us can give him. He'll get better now, you'll see." He stroked Haley's hand, tracing circles on her plan. "Is there anything else you need?"

Karen shook her head slightly. "No, thank you. You've done enough. Go home to Jamie."

Nathan smiled faintly, before he and Haley walked off towards their car.

"He's right Karen," Andy said.

Karen ignored what he'd said. "I've had Lucas committed, Andy. _Committed_. They've just dragged him off to a mental asylum!"

"You know-"

"What if he never gets better?" Karen asked, doubt etched on her face. "What if he's gonna end up spending the rest of his life in a locked room, staring at the same four white walls, and it will all be my fault? Or what if he _does _get better and he never forgives me?"

Andy gripped her shoulders, locking eye contact. "_Don't_ think like that. No what ifs. Lucas _will_ get better. It's just another bump in the road."

"A _big _bump," Karen said, a slight chuckle forming in her throat despite herself. "I know you're right Andy, I just can't help it."

"It's because you love him, that's why," Andy said, kissing her forehead. "And it's because you love him that you did this. When Lucas gets better, he'll see that. He'll know you only did all this because he's your son, and you love him."

"How long do you think it'll take?" Karen murmured.

Andy shrugged. "Well it's not going to happen overnight. You can never put a time limit on these things. Could be months, years…although I certainly hope it's not that long."

They stood together for a few heartbeats, still outside, feeling the cool morning air on their cheeks.

"Sawyer," Karen breathed.

"Hm?"

"Lucas is going to miss so much of her life," Karen sighed. "It's not fair Andy. It's just not fair."


	11. The Decisions We Make

**11. The Decisions We Make**

Lucas's eyes were hard and steely, devoid of any emotion; it was all locked deep inside behind his stony, expressionless face. He stared bleakly at the walls of white that enclosed him, isolating him from the outside world.

He still couldn't believe that he was here, stuck in this small, dull room where _everything _was white – the walls, the bed, the chair, his clothes, even the trays on which his meals were delivered were of the same monotone colour, save for the tasteless unsavoury food that lay upon it. _Just the relentless _whiteness _of it all is enough to drive anyone crazy, let alone help them recover!_

Despite his calm and complacent appearance, inside he was raging, raging with an impossible torrent of emotions swelling and boiling until it took every ounce of effort to restrain himself from screaming out his anguish and throwing what little objects there were at the _stupid_ white walls. He hated his mother. _Hated _her. Never had he been so sure of his feelings towards anybody in his life, except, of course, his love for Peyton. Which was another thing he could not get his fragile mind to grasp.

_They're the ones that need being locked in this damned room. They can't see what's staring them right in the face! They can't see Peyton. _Lucas sighed deeply, frustration briefly etching on his features. _If they could only see her then they'd know that I don't need to be here. _He laced his fingers together and absentmindedly drummed them, deep in thought. After all, thinking was the only thing to do in this godforsaken place. As his thoughts fell upon his mother once more, of her treacherous actions of having him dragged away and locked up here, rage coursed through his veins. _How could she do this to me? Nothing's even wrong and she still has to interfere and do this! How could she choose to do something like this? She's betrayed me, and I'm never gonna forgive her for it. She's the one that's dead, laid down in a coffin six foot under. _It dawned on Lucas then that it was highly likely that at some point his mother would come and pay him a visit, and he menacingly contemplated all the hurtful spiteful things he would spit at her when she had the nerve to show her traitorous face to him. A grim smile tugged at his lips as he considered her reaction, before his thoughts suddenly veered off onto a new path, thinking of a way he could get out of here and back to Peyton and Sawyer.

* * *

Somewhere within his mind Lucas registered the soft click of the door unlocking; felt the slight breeze tickle his skin as the door slid open and then shut again. The deafening silence was filled with the sound of sharp footsteps clicking across the floor towards him. Lucas didn't acknowledge the psychiatrist's presence as she pulled up the chair and sat opposite himself, who was seated calmly on the edge of his bed.

"Hello Lucas," she said warmly, a forced smile placed on her face even though her patient wasn't looking at her, simply staring through her. "My name is Dr. Alex Cartwright, and I'm here to help you."

Lucas tried to hide his scoff, daring only to roll his eyes. _Yet another deluded idiot who thinks I need help._

Dr. Cartwright's smile remained intact for a few seconds; she was clearly more than used to this reaction, but ultimately she sighed and continued in a slightly harsher tone. "Look Lucas, I know why you're here."

_Obviously, _Lucas muttered internally.

"I also know that you don't want to be here."

Lucas couldn't suppress his look of blatant judgmental scorn at the psychiatrist's latest remark. _Who does?_

"It seems evident to me that you think that you are completely fine, and that you have no need to be here," Dr. Cartwright continued, "But you do. You are _not _fine, and sooner or later during your stay here you will come to realize this, and it is only then that you will begin your road to recovery. I'm here to simply speed up the process and encourage you. Now, why don't you start off by telling me why just last week you tried to kill yourself because your wife is dead, and now you are convinced that she is in fact alive?"

Lucas was thrown slightly, but he didn't reply, nor begin to formulate any kind of response. For him, the question was absurd. _I haven't convinced myself of _anything_._

Dr. Cartwright leant back in her chair, patiently crossing her arms. "The silent treatment, is it? You are merely being stubborn and obstinate by attempting to avoid any kind of interaction with me, and it won't be long until you give it up, for the longer you remain silent, the longer you'll be here."

Lucas glanced at her then, actually focusing on her. He shrugged mentally and said with a cold, icy voice – for he did not want to give the psychiatrist any satisfaction, "I have no answer to your previous question." His voice was choked as he hadn't spoken for many hours.

A flash of victory flickered in Dr. Cartwright's eyes. "Well, elaborate your reasons behind your attempted suicide then, would you?"

"I was merely under the impression that Peyton had died giving birth to Sawyer, that she was dead. Naturally, I couldn't live without her, so I tried to hang myself." Lucas kept his tone flippant and nonchalant, so as not to give anything away. "It was during my time in hospital afterwards that Peyton came back to me, and I knew she wasn't dead."

"You are aware that you attended her funeral? And that you stood by and watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground?"

Lucas flinched, shoulders slumping slightly, his brows furrowing in defiance. "She wasn't in the coffin."

Dr. Cartwright sighed, her words blunt. "If we were to exhume your wife's grave and open the coffin, and see her there, would _that _be enough to convince you?"

Horror twisted Lucas's face before he quickly tried to hide it. "You'd find nothing there. It would merely be empty."

"Lucas, which is more likely, that the whole world believes – _knows_ – that Peyton is dead, or that you simply believe she isn't?" Dr. Cartwright said, her comment brash, allowing her frustration to clip her words. She cursed herself for being unprofessional, so she swiftly moved on. "What makes you so sure that Peyton is alive?"

"Because I've _seen_ her! I've spoken to her, held her, kissed her…" he trailed off, a ghost of a smile on his face. "Her soft skin was real beneath my fingertips; she's as real as you or me."

Dr. Cartwright frowned slightly. "When was the last time you saw Peyton?"

"When I went over to Haley and Nathan's to try and get Sawyer back, and they wouldn't let me," Lucas replied sadly. "None of them understand. Do you understand?" He stared at her intently, his face suddenly expectant, wide eyes waiting.

The question caught Dr. Cartwright off-guard, and she was genuinely unsure of how to reply - whether to humour him, which in turn would allow him to open up more, or try and talk some sense into him, which would cause Lucas to rapidly retreat back into his shell. Unwisely, she chose the second option.


	12. What Lies Beneath

**_I think this might be the last update for a while; I've got exams coming up and they kinda take priority for the moment, but I'll try and update as soon as possible. Thanks :)_**

* * *

**What Lies Beneath**

It had been a week since Lucas had been locked up in that white room, and during that time Karen had attempted to visit her son several times, and each time Lucas refused to see her. Karen now sat with Brooke in the reception, waiting for Dr. Cartwright to meet them. They had sat there in silence for a while before Karen spoke up.

"What if you go see Lucas alone?"

Brooke looked up from her phone, looking at Karen through her hair. "I'm sorry?"

"This will be the eighth time I've tried to see Lucas. He never wants to see me. He won't see Haley or Nathan either. But maybe he'll see you," Karen explained. "You weren't there when those men took him and brought him here. He thinks we're all against him, but he may feel differently about you. Will you try, Brooke, please?"

Brooke hesitated before she replied. _I don't know if I'm strong enough to see Lucas like that…convinced that Peyton is still alive. _A part of her, and Brooke didn't know how big a part, was afraid; a small voice in her mind begged her to say no. _I don't want to. _But when she saw the look of helplessness and despair in Karen's eyes, Brooke felt she had no choice but to reluctantly agree.

"Thank you Brooke," Karen said, a genuine smile breaking through her weary features. "Thank you."

*

"Someone's here to see you Lucas," Dr. Cartwright said as she stood in the doorway to Lucas's room.

Lucas had his back to her, sitting on his bed with his arms wrapped tight around his knees. "Tell her to go away. I don't want to see her. I _never _want to see her."

Dr. Cartwright shook her head sadly. "It's not your mother Lucas. It's Miss Davis."

"Brooke?" Lucas whipped round, daring to feel hopeful.

Dr. Cartwright backed out of the room and stepped aside to let Brooke enter, closing the door behind her.

Brooke gave a half-hearted wave coupled with a slight smile. "Hey, Luke."

"Oh Brooke!" Lucas gushed, leaping from the bed and rushing towards her, wrapping her in a big hug. "You don't know how good it is to see you."

Brooke let herself be held in his arms as she took a deep breath and tried to compose herself fully. "It's good to see you too Luke." She pulled away then. "How are you…how are you holding up?"

Lucas shrugged and sat back down on the bed, tapping the space beside him. Brooke obliged and sat next to him, taking one of his hands and holding it in hers. She didn't know what to say, didn't know where to start.

"I'm glad you're here Brooke," Lucas said, a smile of authenticity gracing his lips. "You're the only one that understands; even Dr. Cartwright doesn't. You weren't there when Mom got those men to drag me away. If you were there, you would've have stopped them, right?"

Brooke froze, throat constricting. To buy time she feigned a cough. "I care about you very much Lucas." It was a weak, indirect response, but it seemed to satisfy Lucas enough; he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her tighter. "Have you come to get me out of here Brooke?"

Brooke swallowed. "I can't Lucas. I'm sorry, but it's not my decision. It's Karen's."

Lucas stiffened at the mention of his mother's name. "Of course. I thought as much. She _has _to control everything! She just wants me out of the way so she can-"

"Lucas," Brooke interjected, interrupting Lucas's enraged tirade. "You have to understand that Karen loves you, and she's only trying to do what's best for you."

Lucas pulled away from her and stood up, beginning to pace the room. "Don't. Don't defend her Brooke. You're the only one that's on my side."

Brooke got off the bed and walked over towards him, placing her hands firmly on his shoulders to still him, locking eyes. "Lucas. _Everyone _is on your side. You just have to realize it. We all love you so, so much. We just want to see you well again, and in your right mind. When you're better, you can have Sawyer back. Just open your eyes Luke, and think about it – think about all the facts, think about everything you've seen and everything that's happened. The hospital, the funeral. _Sawyer. _Look past what you think you see, and take a look at what's beneath the surface. Concentrate Lucas. Just _look_."

Lucas stared at her, his face slowly locking down as he contemplated, thinking through what she'd said. Anger and confusion and pain flitted through his eyes, and Brooke was completely unsure of what his reaction would be, whether he'd lash out, start shouting at her or shut down completely. In all honesty, it horrified Brooke to admit that the only way she expected Lucas would respond was in a violent way. Which was why it completely shocked her, almost frightened her, when Lucas dropped to his knees in front of her and wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face into her torso and sobbing uncontrollably. Brooke placed her hands on Lucas's head and stroked his hair, murmuring words of comfort as they stayed locked together while he cried out all his hurt and pain.

* * *

"I've got Chinese food!" Julian yelled as he set the bag down on the counter. "Brooke? Where are you?"

He went off to the bedroom in search of Brooke, and found her curled up on the bed crying, clutching a photo frame to her chest. The frame held a recent photo of her and Peyton.

"I miss Peyton!" she wailed, eyes and nose streaming. "I want her back Julian. She's my best friend, and she's, she's-"

"It's okay Brooke," Julian soothed, sitting down on the bed and pulling her into his arms. "Everything's gonna be okay."

Brooke pulled away, incredulous. "How is everything going to be okay? Peyton's gone, and she's not coming back!"

Julian dipped his head slightly. He didn't know what to say to her. "Everything _will _be okay…eventually."

"Eventually?!" Brooke shrieked, but before she could continue her tirade Julian pulled her close to him, his grip tight so she couldn't get free.

"Peyton wouldn't want you to be like this. She'd want you to move on and get on with your life," Julian explained. "I know you won't heal overnight. But it'll get easier, believe me." Brooke looked up at him, shooting him an inquisitive look, staring until he elaborated. "A few years back my best friend died too. He was in a car crash. Stupid idiot ran a red light…anyway, the point is that however hard it may seem now, you'll manage to pick up the pieces and carry on."

Brooke smiled and nuzzled into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent. "I know. It's just, seeing Lucas today…" she blinked back her tears. "I thought I was coping, just about, but talking to him brought everything crashing back. He's in such a state, Julian. He really believes that Peyton isn't, isn't…dead."

Julian squeezed her arms reassuringly. "I know Brooke. It's gonna take a while, but the Dr. Cartwright and the other psychiatrists will make him better. They'll soon make him realize the truth, and when he does, Lucas can begin to move on."

The two lay there for several moments until Julian spoke up again. "Speaking of moving on, how about we move on into the kitchen and eat that Chinese food before it goes cold?"


	13. Reborn

**So while I was revising and rushing to get my art coursework done I wrote the next few chapters on my phone, but before I could upload them on to the computer it got stolen...so sorry it took too long. Thank you for your patience :)**

* * *

**Reborn**

_6 months later…_

The crisp winter air slammed into Lucas's face, stinging his cheekbones; the cold wind rustled his hair playfully. The sky above was dark and dull with thick black clouds, but he didn't care; anything was better than those blasted white walls. He took deep breaths, feeling the chilled fresh air pour into his lungs and wake him up inside. Being out in the open, even as the first few drops of freezing rain began to fall from the gloomy sky, was an indescribably invigorating feeling that smoothed over his weary cracks. Lucas tilted his head back and allowed raindrops to splash onto his skin, tiny droplets clinging to his tousled hair and thick eyelashes. The water slid down his cheeks and soaked into his skin, cleansing his soul. With an air of determination, Lucas strode forwards, free at last. _I'm getting Sawyer back._

_*_

A knock at the door drew a frown on Haley's face. "Who's that?"

Nathan shrugged in response and walked over to the door, opening it, not expecting who stood behind it.

Lucas stood beneath the wooden frame, hands fidgeting nervously, his expression almost sheepish. "Hey."

Shock froze time for several heartbeats while Haley and Nathan processed this, before the former stood up and rushed to where her husband and best friend stood, throwing her arms round Lucas.

"Lucas!" she cried, arms wrapped around him tight. "You're out. Wait…" She pulled back then, scrutinizing Lucas and repeating in a wary tone, "_You're out_."

"Yeah, when Dr. Cartwright came in I jumped her and grabbed her keycard then knocked out a few guards and made a run for it…" Lucas trailed off, laughing at Haley's and Nathan's expressions. "I'm joking. Come on, do you really think I'd do that?"

Haley folded her arms, glancing at her husband nervously.

"To be honest Luke, we don't know," Nathan said. "The state of mind you were in a few months ago…"

Lucas took a step back, defensive. "You really think I'd be capable of that?"

"Lucas, please, just try and understand how it was for us. You weren't yourself," Haley pleaded, reaching forward to touch his elbow gently. "Just come in, and we can talk."

Lucas seemed to deliberate the offer before, somewhat reluctantly, accepting and joining them inside.

"Do you want a drink? Something to eat?"

"Yeah, please," Lucas replied, nodding. "The food in that place was awful."

Haley disappeared to rustle up some food as the two brothers sat down.

"So they let you out?" Nathan asked after a minute's worth of awkward silence.

"Yeah."

"But I thought that only Karen could make that decision?"

"Dr Cartwright said that Mom left that decision in her hands," Lucas explained. "After all, how would Mom know if I was better? She never visits; I could be there for years even though I'm perfectly fine because she'd never show her face."

Haley reappeared with a drink and a sandwich; she slammed them down onto the table and folded her arms, scowling at Lucas. "That is _not_ fair. You didn't _want _to see her. Karen tried to visit you plenty of times but you always refused to see her. The one time Dr. Cartwright let her into the room you _screamed _at her and told her she was dead to you."

Lucas stared down at the floor, subconsciously chewing his lip. "Like you said, I wasn't myself."

"So you forgive her?"

No answer.

"Look at me Lucas!" Haley yelled, struggling to keep her temper in check.

Lucas's head whipped up in her direction. "What?" he spat.

"You _still_ don't forgive her for putting you in that place?" Haley cried, incredulous. "I can see why you didn't understand her actions at first, but _now_? You're fine and they let you out but you still don't forgive her for what she did? There's nothing _to _forgive! She did what was best for you and it was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. If she hadn't have had you sent to that place you'd still be running around seeing Peyton everywhere and believing she was still alive, wouldn't you?"

"Hardest decision she ever had to make?" Lucas scoffed. "She didn't have trouble standing there letting those men drag me away."

Haley shook her head in disbelief. "Well if that's how you feel then maybe Dr. Cartwright shouldn't have let you out yet."

Lucas stood up defiantly and forcefully strode towards the door. "I don't know why I came here in the first place. After all, you two also just stood there and watch me get taken away. Mom made the decision, but you stood by and let her do it. You're no friends of mine." And with that last, final damning statement, he slammed the door shut behind him, the sound echoing round the silent room.

Haley fell into Nathan's arms sobbing. "What the hell just happened?"

"Sssh, it's okay Haley," Nathan soothed, kissing the top of her head. "Give him time. He needs to adjust after spending so long locked up. Maybe he's forgotten how to interact with people."

"Don't try and make a joke out of this," Haley said, but her voice was weak and not scolding. "I thought…I thought when he was released from that place he'd be okay…back to the old Lucas. But he's not. Even though he's accepted Peyton's death and got back to his 'normal' state of mind, he's still a different person."

Nathan rocked her gently. "I know this is probably not want you want to hear right now, but we may have to come to terms with the fact that Lucas might never be the same person again. Even if he had grieved in the more…_usual _way, he may still have changed. We'll just have to wait and see. Like I said, just give him time."

Haley stared at the door forlornly. Lucas had walked back into her life, and just as quickly and suddenly he had walked back out.


	14. Metamorphosis

**Metamorphosis**

Lucas stormed along the sidewalk, anger radiating from him. _Why the hell did I go to Nathan and Haley? I should have known they wouldn't understand. _Hot, furious tears slid down his cheeks as he contemplated his situation. He just had to find someone he could trust, and then they could help him get Sawyer back…_Brooke._ With renewed conviction Lucas marched on towards the building that was home to the only person in the world he felt he could trust. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice when the rain returned and lashed down on him, the sky crying with him in empathy.

* * *

"Your phone just beeped," Julian informed as Brooke stepped out of the shower, clutching a towel to her chest. She walked over to the bedside cabinet and picked up her phone. It was from Haley.

_Brooke, Lucas is out, but he's still not right. He just came to our house, but stormed out a few minutes later. He still hates Karen for putting him in that place, and he doesn't trust us either. If he turns up, keep him calm. I'm trying to get in touch with Karen._

"Oh God."

Julian frowned at her. "What's wrong Brooke?"

She tossed him the phone so he could read the text and began hurriedly searched around the room for some clothes to pull on. Julian's frown deepened as he processed the information.

"What does she mean, 'he's still not right'? How can he still blame Karen?" Brooke cried as she pulled up some jeans. "I mean, he's out, right? So how can he not be fine? They wouldn't have let him out if he wasn't okay. Shouldn't he be back to the same old Lucas?"

"I don't know Brooke," Julian replied, taking her hand and squeezing it in comfort. "Do you want to go out and look for him?"

"But what if he comes here?" Brooke asked, panic creeping into her voice.

"Then you stay. I'll drive around town and see if I can find him," Julian said, giving Brooke a quick kiss on the forehead before dashing out the room with shoes and car keys in hand.

*

Brooke was pacing the length of the lounge, up and down, running grooves into the floor. Her fingers toyed absentmindedly with her phone as she waited for some news. Julian hadn't rung her yet, and she hadn't heard anything else from Haley. She glanced up from where her eyes had become fixed on the screen, and her gaze settled on a frame containing a photo of her, Lucas and Peyton. Her heart twisted in her chest as she knew that those days were now painful memories, just like Peyton.

Brooke came crashing down from her reverie as the door swung open and Lucas stood there, wet hair plastered onto his forehead, clothes drenched and dripping water, and his face damp with rain and tears.

"Oh Lucas," she breathed, shoving her phone in her pocket and closing the distance between her and her best friend in a few hasty strides, eagerly falling into his arms in a long-awaited embrace. "I've missed you so much…" Her words were cut off when Lucas hugged her back, which filled Brooke with a lovely warmth. When Lucas relinquished his hold on her, Brooke stepped back, allowing a grin to spread on her face.

"Now that's what I call a welcome," Lucas laughed, his features relaxing, and he seemed so much like the Lucas before that Brooke figured that Haley must've got it all wrong. _He's fine._

"Look at you; you're drenched! I'll grab you a towel and some of Julian's old clothes," she said, turning to walk into the bedroom and motioning for Lucas to follow. As he entered the room, Lucas noted all of Julian's belongings.

"So you're living together now?" Lucas asked. "I thought he'd left town."

"Well, you know he came back for the wedding, and he just never left afterwards," Brooke explained casually, before she instantly regretted her words. _The wedding. _She paused rooting through the drawers and stole a glance at Lucas; his expression seemed more guarded, but otherwise fine.

"Here," she said, handing him some clothes and pointing towards the bathroom, into which he disappeared. When he was gone, Brooke walked back into the kitchen and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She pressed the device to her ear and waited patiently as it rang.

"_Hello?" _

"Julian! Lucas just turned up here."

"_How is he?"_

Brooke glanced towards her bedroom door. "He seems fine. It must all have just been a misunderstanding with Haley and Nathan."

"_Well be careful anyway. I'm on my way back; I'll be about ten minutes."_

And with that, the line went dead, and Brooke sat down on the couch, wondering whether to call Haley or not. She was still deliberating when Lucas walked back into the room and sat down next to her.

"So how've you been Brooke?" Lucas asked, choosing to talk about her so as to avoid any questions he didn't want to answer. "It's been a while since you last visited…"

Brooke put the phone on the coffee table, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry; things were just so crazy round here-"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't accusing you of anything."

"Oh," Brooke mouthed, and answered Lucas's earlier question to fend off the silence that threatened to descend. "Well I'm pretty good. Like I said, things started to get a bit hectic. I've been trying to launch a new fashion line."

"That's great!" Lucas enthused, his face lighting up once more. "But I have to ask," he continued, instantly changing the topic. "Where is Sawyer?"

Brooke hesitated. She'd known he was bound to ask at some point, but she still had hoped to evade it. "With Karen, and Lily and Andy."

"Which is where…?"

"I'm not sure," Brooke replied honestly. "I haven't spoken to Karen for a while now."

Lucas took in this information silently, nodding. "I want Sawyer back."

Before Brooke could reply, or even begin to formulate one, her phone beeped and flashed. She smiled at Lucas and reached to retrieve her phone. It was Haley again.

_Just spoke to Karen. She's on her way back with Andy, Lily and Sawyer. Any sign of Lucas yet?_

"You can reply to that if you want, I don't mind," Lucas said as Brooke put the phone back down.

"No, it's fine," she replied, shaking her head. "It's nothing important."

"Okay."

Brooke, frowned, suddenly realizing something. "Wait, how come you're out?"

Lucas briefly flashbacked to the same conversation he'd had not long ago with Haley and Nathan, before explaining to Brooke without the joking. "I still have to go back and visit Dr. Cartwright once a week though. Some follow up report."

The door opened and Brooke and Lucas looked up to see Julian walk through the front door and hastily close it behind him as the rain pelted him. "Looks like we're in for a storm!" His eyes settled on Lucas. "Hey, good to see you Luke!"

Lucas raised a hand. "You too."

"You look well," Julian said, taking off his coat and moving to sit opposite him. "How are you?"

Brooke looked at Julian uneasily. Something about his happy expression didn't seem right, but she soon dismissed it as the two men got talking.

"As good as I can be," Lucas responded vaguely. "Enough about me. I'm sick of talking about me; I've done it every day for the past 6 months. Tell me what's been happening with you guys while I've been gone."

Brooke sat silently as her boyfriend and her best friend conversed, watching the latter closely. _No, Haley definitely made a mistake. He seems genuinely okay. _Her phone buzzed again and she ignored it, assuming it was Haley again. _How could she have got it so wrong?_ Even so, she decided to test the water.

"So have you been anywhere else? Or are we your first stop?"

Lucas's lie was as flawless as his smile. "Nope, you're the first."

It wasn't dramatic or exaggerated or entirely life-changing, but in that instant, in that moment of Lucas's calmness and apparent sincerity, she saw through his façade, saw past his lies and false normality into the aching shadow of who he was before. And she knew that he'd never be the same man he was again. Nowhere close.


	15. Absolution

**_Sorry this one's a little short, I just thought it was the best place to leave it. Not too sure if the scene between Karen and Lucas turned out right, either. What do you think?_**

**

* * *

**

**Absolution**

"Where is she?" Lucas asked, his words laced with annoyance as he sat wringing his hands together. "You said she'd be here."

"She will be," Brooke assured, smiling encouragingly. "I'm sure Karen is just running a bit late."

"Is she bringing Sawyer with her?"

Brooke answered honestly. "I don't know."

Lucas had spent two nights at Brooke's house, crashing on the couch, as Karen had taken the keys to Lucas's house with her. Brooke and Lucas were now sitting in the living room, with Julian hovering around, waiting for Haley to arrive with Karen and, as Lucas was hoping, with Sawyer.

"She's not gonna come," Lucas muttered scathingly, standing up and beginning to pace the room like a caged lion. "I knew it. She's just run off and taken Sawyer with her. Now I'll never see her again!"

"Lucas!" Brooke reprimanded, walking over to him and getting a grip on his shoulder to still him. "Karen _has not_ run away with Sawyer. She arrived in town early this morning."

"How do you know that?" Lucas spat. "Have you spoken to her without telling me?"

"No, Haley texted me earlier," Brooke answered.

Lucas shrugged. "She could be lying. Haley and Nathan are her accomplices."

"Her _accomplices_?" Brooke repeated incredulous. "You're making them sound like common criminals! They're your _friends_, Lucas, just like me."

"But _you_ didn't stand by and watch me get dragged away. You and Julian are the only ones on my side."

Brooke sighed, her shoulders dropping heavily. _Now I see what Haley meant. _"Look Lucas, the only reason I wasn't there was because I _couldn't _be there. I didn't _want _to see it. But I supported your mom's decision then, and I still do now. Psychiatric care was the best thing for you, and if you can't see that I honestly think that maybe you should go back."

Lucas recoiled instantly, and as his face changed from shock to rage, Julian rushed into the room and stood in front of Brooke protectively.

"Calm down Lucas," Julian warned, staring him down.

"I'm not going to hurt her Julian. I wouldn't," Lucas promised, looking towards the floor, his face downcast. "I'm not a monster, despite what everyone thinks."

"Oh Lucas," Brooke gushed, tears welling in her eyes as her heart broke at his words, "no one thinks you're a monster. You're our friend, and we all love you. You're just grieving over Peyton. We all miss her, believe me, and we're all hurting too. She was my best friend; we'd been through so much together, and it still aches inside whenever I think of her." She walked over to Lucas and cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her as tears overflowed from both of their eyes. "You are _not _a monster. You just lost your way a bit."

Julian stood, uneasy. In his opinion, Dr. Cartwright shouldn't have let Lucas out yet. _Lucas doesn't seem fixed. Far from it, actually. His mood swings are so fast and unpredictable; he's not safe to be around._

Lucas allowed Brooke to put her arm round him and sit him down on the couch. She continued to speak to him with renewed conviction, willing him desperately to understand. "Lucas, you can't blame your mom for this. Please, you have to know that Karen _helped _you. Honestly, I can't understand why you _don't _forgive her."

Lucas chewed his nip agitatedly. "I…I just…I don't know," he admitted. "I have no one to blame for Peyton's death, and I _need _to blame _someone_." He paused, glancing at Julian and then looking back at Brooke, trying to swallow back his storm of tears. "I can't deny that what Mom did was the right thing, because deep down I know it was. I know that Dr. Cartwright helped me; it's just being locked away in that room…I _hated _it. Every second, every goddamn second."

Brooke nodded sympathetically, and just as she opened her mouth to speak the doorbell echoed round the room, slicing through the tension-thick air. Silently, Julian stood up and went to get the door, welcoming the interruption. He felt awkward, a spare part, a third wheel.

"Haley, Nathan, Karen," Julian announced solemnly, standing aside to let them in.

Karen rushed in, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw her son for the first time in so, so long. He looked at her, his eyes wet with tears of regret and shame, and as their eyes met, so many feelings were conveyed that there was no need for words. Lucas got to his feet and ran over to his mother, falling into a tight embrace. He clung onto her desperately, not wanting to let go. He cried violently into her shoulder, and she stroked his hair comfortably, rocking him gently as if he were a child again.

"I'm so sorry Mom," Lucas whispered as he pulled back slightly to look at her. "I don't blame you for-"

"Sssh," Karen soothed, putting a finger to his lips. "I know." And as they hugged tightly again, Karen's heart slowly began to heal together again, hauled back into place by the forgiveness of her son. "I love you Lucas."

"I love you too Mom."


	16. The Past Comes Back to Haunt You

**_So I have 2 things to apologize for..._**

**_1) How long it took me to update. I'm sorry, but those pesky exams just keep popping up all over the place..._**

**_2) The lack of angst in the last chapter - I'm sorry _**julianafun**_! I've tried to make up for it in this chapter without having to rewrite the last one. Hope it makes sense :)_**

**

* * *

****The Past Comes Back to Haunt You**

But of course she knew that in reality, the reunion would be far different. As the door to Brooke's house swung open, Karen gave herself a mental shake, blinking away the tears that had gathered in her eyes because of the fantasy that had just played in her head. Julian stood aside to let the guests enter; Karen took an unsteady step into the room, fighting the urge to run and grab hold of Lucas, never letting him go. Instead she stopped just a few feet in, watching Lucas and scrutinizing him. His eyes seemed darker, haunted pools of a once-clear blue, and he looked so exhausted it made Karen feel tired herself.

"Lucas," she breathed.

At first, it seemed as though Lucas hadn't heard her and was not even aware of her arrival. Karen's heart plummeted. _He still hates me. Even now…_

Slowly, Lucas appeared to pull himself together, collecting his thoughts, and he stood up, finally acknowledging his mother's presence. "Hi," he said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

"Hi," Karen repeated, a tentative smile tugging up her lips.

Lucas shoved his hands in his pockets, stricken, staring at his shuffling feet. "How's Sawyer?"

"She's fine," Karen started, daring to come closer. "Great, actually. She's gotten so big now."

"Does she look like Peyton?" Lucas asked, throat constricting as he glanced upward. Brooke and Haley's hearts clenched at his pained expression; Nathan and Julian stood in the background uncomfortably, looking like they wanted to be anywhere but here.

Karen hesitated. "Yes, of course she does. And she has your eyes." _So wide and innocent. And she doesn't know her father, and she'll never know her mother. _"You need to see her."

"Why do you think I'm here?" Lucas retorted, his words just a little too sharp. His shoulders slumped slightly, and he looked almost abashed, but he kept his face expressionless. "Where is she? I see you didn't think to bring her with you."

Karen sighed at Lucas's clipped tone. _I'm definitely going to have to talk to Dr. Cartwright. With the exception of Lucas's belief of Peyton being alive, we're just back to square one. It's like walking in circles. _"I thought it would be better to get this…_reunion-_"

"Confrontation, more like," Lucas muttered, but his mother chose to ignore his remark.

"-out of the way without Sawyer here to witness it. She's a lot more aware of the world, and I didn't want her to…pick up on anything."

Lucas stifled a scoff; Karen strode across the room towards him. "Lucas, please, just hear me out. Let me say what I have to say, and then you can make up your own mind. Please, just listen."

Distantly, Lucas recalled the time when he was begging his mother to listen to him when he was being dragged away by the men from the mental institute. "Fine." He sat back down on the couch, Karen sitting on the arm chair opposite. Exchanging glances, Haley, Nathan, Brooke and Julian moved into the kitchen area to prepare some drinks silently.

Karen folded her arms in her lap. "I'm just going to try to explain to you _why_ I did what I did. I know you've heard this before, but please, really listen to me Lucas. I need you to listen. You're my son Lucas, and I love you no matter what. I understand how it feels, how much it _hurts_, to lose someone you love so much" - Karen paused momentarily, eyes welling up as she thought about Keith - "and that you needed to grieve. But you weren't grieving in the _right way._ At first, I thought you were just merely denying it, but then it's as though you accepted it when you…"

"Hung myself?" Lucas offered, somewhat cruelly.

"Yes," Karen started, faltering slightly. "But then you were convinced that Peyton was still alive. That you saw her and you spoke to her. We all knew something was wrong…we were all so worried about you Lucas. You needed to heal, but you needed help first."

Lucas sat silently, fingers fidgeting, reluctantly taking it all in. He knew it all made sense, but he didn't know why he was refusing to accept it. "I know."

Karen was just about to say something else, but Lucas's words stopped her; she sat, lips parted. "You know?"

"Yes," Lucas murmured, sighing. He fell back, resting against the plush cushions. "I don't know why I saw Peyton, but I didn't question it, like I should've. I was just so happy to see her…so _desperate _to hold her in my arms that I didn't care about logic or reason. I just wanted…wanted to believe…" The rest of Lucas's words were swallowed up by the sobs that shook his body as the floodgates opened, grief and sorrow pouring out. A solitary tear carved its path down Karen's cheek as she opened her arms and leant forward to comfort her son in a soothing embrace, but Lucas pulled away abruptly, his body instinctively flinching away from the touch.

"I'm sorry," Lucas cried, jumping up from his seat. "I j-just can't-"

"Lucas," Karen called, standing up also and approaching her suffering son, but for every step she took toward him, he took one back. "What's wrong?"

Lucas shook his head feverishly, murmuring "No," over and over. _The only person I want holding me is Peyton. _

Confusion swept over Karen. _He was starting to come around, to understand, and now what? _"Son, I love you."

Lucas froze, wide eyes looking up at his mother. _I love you. _The words echoed round and round in his head, a million flashbacks of Peyton saying the exact same words flashing through his mind. At high school, on the beach, the wedding…and he saw the words leaving a pair of soft, glossy lips that resided upon the face of the women he loved more than himself, needed more than the air he breathed. He could picture her so clearly…hear her gentle laugh, see her smile, her golden locks that framed her face and flowed down in waves and curls…her memory would always be there. But he didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse. Especially that last image of Peyton in her wedding dress, covered in _so _much blood...

Karen shivered as Lucas stared through her; she tried to get in his head, to see what he was thinking. "Lucas?"

Lucas jolted, dragged from his reverie. "It's all my fault…" he whispered. "I wasn't strong enough to deal with her death. I couldn't handle it…and now I've hurt you all." He stared at the floor, ashamed. "I've said such horrible things. All my fault..."

"Oh Lucas," Karen breathed, cupping his face in her hand, forcing him to look at her. "It's not your fault. Don't you ever think that."

"But it is-"

"No!" Brooke called, now joining the pair and taking her place beside Karen, closely followed by Haley. "It is _not_ your fault Lucas." She took hold of one of Lucas's hands, squeezing it tightly. "You are a _good _person Lucas; you just got a little lost, that's all. But you're okay now, aren't you?" Brooke's eyes were pleading as she cried too. She needed to hear Lucas agree, to tell her that he was okay and everything would be okay now.

Lucas swallowed, looking between his mother, Haley and Brooke. A ghost of a smile crossed his morose, tear-stained face. "Yes Brooke. I'm okay. Everything's gonna be okay."

* * *

**_Just to clarify incase I didn't make it clear enough: the whole of chapter 15 happened except that last little section where Karen walked in. She imagined that._**


	17. Gathering of Hearts

**Gathering of Hearts**

_A week later._

Lucas's heart stopped, his breath catching in his throat when his mother walked into the room holding a peacefully sleeping Sawyer in her arms.

"She's so beautiful," Lucas whispered, eyes glazed with happy tears. _Just like Peyton. _"Can I hold her?"

A jubilant grin stretched Karen's face. "Of course you can son." Carefully, Sawyer was transferred from her grandmother's arms into her father's, eyelids fluttering as she stirred awake. Lucas felt an uncontrollable warmth swell in his heart and spread through him, filling him and lifting his soul as two wide, innocent blue eyes stared up at him curiously. Already, Peyton's inherited blonde locks were coming through.

"Hey baby girl," Lucas whispered, gently rocking his daughter from side to side, "how're you doing?"

Sawyer smiled and giggled gleefully, and Lucas laughed with her. "You're my baby girl and I'm gonna give you everything you ever need." Lucas looked at his mother. "How is it possible to love something so small and fragile so much?"

Karen smiled, kissing Sawyer on the forehead. "I don't know love." Looking at Lucas now, she knew she's been doing the right thing all along, no matter how hard and how heart-breaking it was. She knew it was right to seek professional help, and she knew it was right to wait just a touch longer after his release to reunite him with Sawyer. After his minor breakdown at Brooke's house just a week ago - his _acceptance _of everything - Karen gave him time to gather his thoughts and order them as much as possible, so that he was collected enough to meet Sawyer. It's been a trying year, but hope was growing within Karen that the worst was over.

"Sawyer…" Lucas whispered, his head dipping closer to his daughter. "I'm so sorry that I had to leave you for a while, but I promise that you'll never be alone again. Oh, I love you _so much_."

Rapid footsteps slamming against wooden floorboards tore Lucas's attention from Sawyer, and moments later Jamie appeared.

"Uncle Lucas!" he cried, running towards Lucas for a hug, before stopping himself when he saw that his uncle's arms were full.

"Hey Jamie," Lucas grinned, running a hand through Jamie's hair and ruffling it up. "How've you been? God, you look taller."

"I am!" Jamie beamed "I've grown about-" he indicated a size with his fingers. "-_this _much."

Haley and Nathan entered on a wave of laughter, closely followed by Skills, Brooke and Julian.

"What's this, a big reunion?" Lucas asked with a smile that reached his twinkling eyes.

Skills walked over, clapping a hand to Lucas's shoulder. "It's good to see you man, you know, not crazy and all that."

Lucas chuckled, nodding his head in agreement. A cry escaped Sawyer's lips, and Lucas glanced up to his mother, confusion plaguing his eyes momentarily. His heart sank. _I don't know what's wrong…I don't know what to do. _Karen caught the self-doubt in Lucas's expression, and disappeared into the kitchen to prepare some feed. She returned a few minutes later, and handed the bottle to Lucas. "Here, she's just hungry Lucas. It's her feeding time."

Lucas's lips formed a silent _Oh _as he gently sat down on the couch, tentatively pressing the bottle to Sawyer's tiny soft lips, relieved when she hungrily latched on. His whole attention was riveted as he watched his daughter feed, dainty little sucks on the teat; he completely forgot about his friends until Haley was telling him that they had to leave.

"Luke? Hello?"

"Huh?" Lucas asked in a heavy voice, looking at his best friend.

"We've got to go," Haley explained, then added in a hushed tone so her son couldn't hear. "Jamie's got a dentist appointment. He doesn't know it yet."

"Okay, see you soon Hales," Lucas said, "you too, Nate."

His half-brother raised a hand in farewell. "How about me, you and Skills take Jamie to the Rivercourt sometime next week?"

Lucas hesitated, flashbacking briefly to his last visit to the Rivercourt, before replying slowly. "Yeah… that'd be good." He tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it, so they turned away and left.

His mind still replaying what had happened on his most recent visit to the Rivercourt, Lucas stared off into the distance, glimpses of a white wedding dress filling his mind. Suddenly, determination flooded through him, and Lucas knew of something he had to do before he could ever begin to feel at peace again. Eyes hardened with resolve, he glanced up at his guests. "Sorry to leave you all, but I think I'm gonna go for a walk with Sawyer."

Karen stared at her son a little too long, unsure of whether this was a good thing or not. "Well, I was thinking-"

"No," Lucas interrupted. "There's something I need to do, and it can't wait."

Karen started. "What?"

"It's just something..."

"Well, let me come with you then."

Lucas shook his head firmly. "This is something I have to do alone. Please, just trust me."

Karen sighed with resignation. "You can't take Sawyer with you. She's feeding."

Lucas shrugged. "I'll wait till she's finished."

Silence fell like a shroud on the room, uncomfortable for all but Lucas who was watching his daughter again. Karen knew she had to trust her son, or he'd only resent her again, but she couldn't help but feel wary. She looked to Brooke for support, who gave her a small smile, and noticed that Julian was reviewing Lucas with a cautious gaze. _Obviously I'm not the only one with a few doubts. _

"Have a little faith Karen," Brooke murmured. "Lucas will be okay."

* * *

The sun hung like a beacon in the sky, causing warming rays to fall across Lucas's face, light glancing off of his eyes. It was a beautiful day, and he drank it all in, now learning to appreciate every day of freedom, every little piece of perfection in this world. _Speaking of perfection_…he thought, a smile tugging up his lips as he looked down at his daughter. She was sleeping peacefully in the baby carrier, completely at ease, eyelids fluttering as she dreamt. When he returned his gaze to the sidewalk however, his view of the horizon was obscured by an impending familiar figure.

"Hello Lucas."

"Dan," Lucas replied stiffly. When no one said anything else, Lucas strode forwards, attempting to brush past his father.

Dan started, "I just want to-"

"No, Dan. I'm busy and I have nothing to discuss with you. Now let me pass."

"_Please_," Dan begged, eyes wide and pleading. "Just let me see Sawyer. Let me see your daughter. My _grand-daughter._"

Lucas was caught off-guard by this request. He didn't know what he'd been expecting Dan to say, but it wasn't this. He glanced uneasily at Sawyer. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Lucas, please, just one look, that's all I'm asking for." Dan reached out a hand towards his son. "Grant a dying man his last request."

Lucas was pretty sure that his father's last remark was emotional blackmail, but no matter how much he hated the man for everything that he's done…he just _couldn't _deny it. His shoulders fell as he let out a heavy sigh. "Fine. Just _one _look."

A genuine smile spread on Dan's features, and it looked so out of place that Lucas had to subtly pinch himself to check he wasn't dreaming. When his father approached Sawyer, Lucas couldn't help but flinch back defensively, before regaining control and bringing the baby carrier into view.

Dan gasped silently. "Oh son. She's-"

"Beautiful, I know," Lucas murmured.

Dan leaned in closer to his grand-daughter, looking up at Lucas. "May I?"

Lucas deliberated for a moment, before nodding his consent. _What harm will it do?_

Dan extended a finger, gently stroking Sawyer's forehead. Disturbed from slumber, the baby reached up and wrapped her tiny fingers in a fist around Dan's fingers and pulled slightly. Lucas watched the encounter, until his discomfort grew to a point where he couldn't stand it any longer.

"Okay, you've had your time," Lucas muttered, lifting the baby carrier up to his chest. He roughly pushed past Dan and walked away with a fast stride.

"Goodbye son," Dan called.

Lucas turned just ever so slightly. "Goodbye."

* * *

Lucas gently placed the baby carrier down on the ground and knelt beside it, rocking on his heels. He laced his fingers together and looked up at the headstone with a weary, mournful sigh. _Peyton Scott. Loving wife, mother and friend. _The words stood out in his mind, running through his thoughts over and over as he looked at the dates, memories flashing through, blurring into one flashback after another until it hurt too much and he squeezed his eyes tight shut. _No, no, no. Lucas, you have to deal with this. You have to be strong, for Sawyer's sake. _Slowly, he opened his eyes; as soon as his lids raised several tears escaped and slid down his cheeks, and his lips parted, releasing a strangled sob. Shock flooded through him as he saw a woman standing behind the headstone, delicate fingers resting on it, white fabric billowing in the wind. _Peyton. _A whirlwind of emotions overtook Lucas: joy, confusion, hope, fear. _But no, this can't happen again. I won't go back to that place. _He roughly blinked his eyes open and shut several times, hoping the visage would disappear. He was fixed, he was better; this couldn't be happening.

"It's okay Lucas. I'm here to say goodbye." Peyton's voice was so soft and warm; it caused Lucas to stall his attempts at reluctantly wishing her away. She walked around the headstone, and knelt down in front of Lucas, taking his hands in hers. "_I love you. _And I love our daughter. I know you'll take care of her."

The tears came uncontrollably now, causing Lucas to shake with the force of them. "I love you too. So much."

"I know," Peyton whispered, smiling. "You're gonna be a happy family."

"It won't be happy enough without you."

Peyton pressed a finger to Lucas's lips. "Hush. I'll always be watching over you both. Remember that."

Her hands slipped through Lucas's numb fingers and she stood up and began walking away.

"No! Don't go!" Lucas cried, rising to his feet.

Peyton smiled warmly at him. "Baby, it's time." She slowly strode off into the distance, small innocent steps. When she was so far away, she stopped and turned around, and waved. "Goodbye Lucas."

"Goodbye Peyton," Lucas whispered, the words barely audible as they caught in his throat. His heart clenched unbearably as he watched Peyton, his wife, mother of his child, fade away.

Lucas looked down to his daughter and unbuckled the straps, taking Sawyer into his arms. He kissed her forehead and held her close to his chest. "This is it. From here on in, everything's gonna be okay. You and me, we'll be happy. Because I love you, and so does Peyton. She'll always be here with us." Lucas stood there like that for a long time, just treasuring the moment. His life has taken a new chapter, and in a way, he begins again. And maybe, just maybe, he'll learn to love again.

**_So that's the end. I hope it was up to all of your expectations. I just wanna take this moment to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, story alerted, and favourited this story. It all means a lot to me, so thank you. There may be a sequel to come out of this, but we'll see._**

**_(Oh, and I forgot to add the usual disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters...I only own Dr. Cartwright.)_**


End file.
